Bright New Shores

My birthday will be coming up in a few weeks and, to be honest, I'm heading towards it with mixed feelings. Not that it is a bad thing being a year older and all, rather its that this last year has been a strange one for me, filled with things I would never have expected. Its a custom of mine around this time of year to look back at all the things I've done, the things that the Lord's changed me in, and see whats different in me from the year before and what is not. Now that I'm nearing the end of 19 though, I wonder though if I've made any progress in the least. In some ways I'm quite the same as I was a year ago, in others I think I've lost ground instead of gained.

But this year I'm through with looking back on the things that I've done, or haven't done. I've tried the whole retro-introspection thing long enough to know that it sucks ass really. This year I will be different and look forward in anticipation of 20 and all that it will mean for me. Sure there are things that everyone wants like a beach-house, loads of cash, or a Lamborghini. But that's not what I'm really talking about. What I'm talking about is what I want to do with life, and what I want life to mean for me.

Its a strange thing: how trying to take too much on oneself and do it "right" can make you too cautious to try anything. If my 17 year old self would see the way that I act and think now sometimes, he'd give me a royal ass-whooping. I wouldn't blame him in the least. This next year though I want to try less and do more; to stop guarding what little I have and instead risk it for the venture of getting more from it. I've tried to be satisfied and happy with what I have already and it has sickened me. This next year I want to reach for more than I can grab, dream bigger dreams then I could dream, and make so many mistakes in reaching my goals that it will be astounding. The more mistakes I make in life, the wiser I will be. Only fools hold back for fear of failing.

I'm going to climb a mountain sometime this year: a real one this time with thin air and clouds at the top, and not some little gorge peak. I'm going to learn to jump higher, to run faster, and finally work up the guts to learn how to monkey vault properly. Since being nineteen I've written too many laments about writers, the writing craft, and how my creativity is drying up. This year I'm going to learn to write for myself, go at my own pace, and to stop giving a fuck if people like my works or not. I'll finally begin the groundwork on my thesis on Experimental Linguistic Theory. I'm going to learn to dance properly and get the six-pack that I always wanted to have. I'll learn to speak another language--and not just a few words, but fluently. I'll go to watch a play, instead of just renting the movie. I'll leave Canada (I've been here too long already) and finally travel to places I've dreamed someday of seeing. I'll read fewer books for the purpose of expanding my mind, and instead read them because they make me happy.

I'm going to stop being lethargic in my spiritual life and become the man that God wants me to be. I've held back for far too long for fear of what others might think of me, or how it would effect my life. I've spent too long thinking about how things work, or why they work, to realize that it doesn't matter why they do--they just do. The world keeps spinning, the sun keeps shining, life is an experience to be enjoyed, not endured. I've endured for far too long, now I intend to begin enjoying. I'm going to learn to love and be loved as if I have never been hurt by it. I'll search for beauty in my work instead of perfection. I'll stop taking my life so seriously and instead join those who are laughing. They seem happy about something--so why not me? I'll let go of the past that has held me back for so long and finally write those letters to certain people: asking forgiveness, and forgiving. I'm going to spend less time talking about change and more actually changing.

But more than all this I will not let a single day go by, not even take a single breath, without knowing that I'm alive, that I only have today to live, and that I have nothing at all to lose in any way. Jesus loves me and wants me to be happy. Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty.

Naively optimistic? Perhaps it is. But I'd rather die young in the flames of a life well lived than to float down through life slowly, always wondering what could have been and never attaining a thing. Therefore, to newer shores yet unexplored I turn my thoughts, and from the day I turn 20 onwards I will never look back, and never ever regret a thing.

Like Fire Ants Swarm From Their Mound

Glean what you will from it. Not even the one whom knows me best can pin down its full meaning.

Like fire ants swarm from their mound
My contradictions flow,
A sheet of red lain on the ground
With hidden hells below;

My brain has bled out all its ways
With small and surging sockets,
Lost is the fuel from younger days
With which we fired rockets.

With hardened steel, and harder limb
I’ve herded wolves at night
From sheep and goats I’ve guarded them,
So fearless in the fight.

I’ve courted girls of wood, and brass,
Been serious with games,
Beheld the face of every lass
With features rearranged;

Uranium then fills my lips,
And tears of Christ are mine,
The timber masts of fishing ships
Do sway and roll in time;

And your still here inside my bed,
Your sleeping form, divine.

Something worth a read

"The past is gone, my love, leave it behind. All that lies before you now is your bright and wonderful future and, as I can see it in its entirety, it is looking to be pretty good for you. Trust in Me and do not fear what the future holds for you, for I tell you that the future does not hold you. I hold you, safe in My loving hands."--Jesus