How to be Persuasive

For all of you who wanted to know how to be persuasive (or just want a laugh) read these. No I did not write them... but their still funny anyways.

Lies
Facts might be the best way to substantiate an argument, but lies are the next best thing. If the facts don't prove your point, make some up. There are varying degrees of lies. A "fib" is a small exaggeration of the truth. A "hyperbole" is a larger exaggeration of the truth. A "lie" is a statement that has nothing whatsoever to do with the truth. A "big lie" is not only blatantly untrue but will cause your great grandmother to roll over in her grave with shame.
The big lie is normally the way to go.

You: "Dogs are better than cats."
Opponent: "I prefer cats."
You: "But cats eat babies! They dig their rabid muzzles into infants' chests and rip their kidneys out!"
Opponent: "No they don't!"
You: "They do! And they killed my great grandmother! Twice!"


Random Comments
The interjection of random comments is a useful diversionary tactic. Although the best way to win an argument is for your opponents to concede the debate to you, this last ditch effort can be used in an emergency to secure a secondary victory by disorienting your opponents so much they don't know how to proceed. This tactic has the side benefit of presenting yourself as knowledgeable on a wide range of subjects, so observers are bound to be impressed by your breadth of expertise.

You: "School lunches suck."
Opponent: "Despite the taste, school lunches are, in actuality, very nutritional."
You: "On the contrary! Mahogany is one of Honduras' primary lumber exports."
Opponent: "Mahogany? Honduras? This has nothing to do with school lunches!"
You: "Yeah, well, I could beat you at arm wrestling!"
Opponent: "What does-- But-- You--"


Name Calling
Name calling is an efficient way of pointing out your opponents' weaknesses and call into question the authority with which they dispute your position. By encouraging your opponents to doubt their competence, you can undermine a contrary argument from the inside. For example:

You: "I believe all short people should be beaten with rocks until they bleed."
Opponent: "I think that's a very horrible and malicious idea."
You: "Well, you're fat! Fatty fat doo doo head!"
Opponent: (sobs)


Flailing Arms
The flailing arms strategy is used to express surprise and to reinforce your arguments. It's very hard to disagree with someone who waves his arms in confidence. For example:

Opponent: "Water is very important. You need to drink it to survive."
You: (waving arms wildly) "Water is poisonous!"
Opponent: "Whatever you say man, just please, don't hurt me!"


Biting
Biting is a last ditch effort. You use this tactic when the other person has been given every opportunity to conform to your opinion and still refuses. It is normally best to go for an important artery or organ. The jugular vein is recommended, as it is located roughly at mouth height.

You: "I'm right."
Opponent: "I don't agree. In my opinion, yo--"

And yeah, thats about it... funny though no?